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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

No idea what to title this post other than this week has been terrible

This week has been really hard.  We put our 13 year old Boxer Levi to sleep on Saturday.  This is basically the last picture of him.  It has ripped my heart out to put him to rest.

His body and health just fell apart the last month and the whole year overall.  He was diagnosed with Diabetes in March 2013.  I tested his blood sugar, treated lows, and gave him insulin twice a day as damn near close to 6am and 6pm as I could.  Pretty much no one but my husband understood that he needed to be fed on time and on schedule, but I made damn sure to do the best I could even if I did piss off a lot of people because of my dog.  

Treating his Diabetes made me realize a lot of things.  It made me realize how glad I am on Novolog and not Novolin N and have to eat on a schedule like he did.  I am so damn glad I have my Dexcom.  Keeping a watchful eye on him nonstop for lows and checking him when he was acting just a little off was an incredible experience for me personally.  My Dexcom catches my lows before they would become as incredibly scary as my dog's would and mine use to get very very low before I would feel them prior to Dexcom and using an insulin pump.  We tested him in the 20-30 range all the time and I would litterally just sit there with him when he was low to make sure he was coming up and was going to be ok.  We were late to many things because I could NOT leave until I knew his blood sugar was coming up.  I made a lot of people really mad because of these reasons but I owed that dog my diligence with his Diabetes not only because of his loving loyalty for his entire life but because he was there for me when I depressed or upset or stressed out about whatever part of life.  Dog Diabetes complications are much more expedited since their life span is so much shorter. 

I did my very best to manage his Diabetes but despite that I saw the same things I see in my Diabetes.  He had unexpected highs and lows, he would accidentally get some spilled food from our daughter, some days he wanted to run around outside more, some days less.  These all affected his blood sugar, as it does mine.  His unexplained highs would cause rear leg nerve damage very quickly but within a week of better control the damage would get better and he would walk better again.  In the end the damage was not getting better and his weight kept dropping and he was just losing his ability to function and do much of anything but sleep and seemed to be unhappy and somewhat uncomfortable.  It just killed me.  I feel like Diabetes did steal some time with him away from us. I did not want him to suffer and have more bad days than good just so we could have more time with him.  It wasnt fair to him to be in misery just because we didnt want him to go. Heaven is a wonderful place with no pain or misery and we will see him again someday, so its not goodbye forever, its I will see you again someday.

It has made me realize the amount of damage Diabetes can do, even if you do your best to manage it.  Diabetes and the treatments we have available today just arent enough.  We need faster insulin for humans and we need that gosh darn closed loop dual chambered insulin pump.  Or at least I know I sure do.  It made me realize I need to do better managing my Diabetes, even though this week I just don't feel like eating or when I do its just junk food.  My other Boxer Roxy doesn't feel like eating either, she is so sad that its just killing me. She doesn't even know what to do with herself sleeping on their bedding all alone and just being alone all together.  (we adopted the dog that the previous home owners had as they moved to a condo thousands of miles away, but Roxy hasn't taken to her all that well yet, I am hoping she can make room in her heart for the other dog Cocoa)

My heart feels broken now that he is gone.  I realize he lived a very very long life for a Boxer and he gave us a ton of happy memories to remember but it isnt helping to ease my pain.  I  know this blog post is somewhat off topic of my blog but its something that is happening in my life right now and I need to write about it.  To me he was an important being and now that he is gone I feel like a part of me is gone.  A friend told me the other day, while we never really get over our losses, we do get use to them, carry them with us and they become part of who we are and that is ok.  This sentence could not be more true for the way I feel about losing people/pets we love. I will be ok eventually, but right now I feel like I am on the verge of falling apart every moment. Being at work and trying to hold my composure with a smile on my face feels like a mountain of a task. 

Levi was the reason I bought my first house, he was the reason I met my husband, he adored our daughter, he was my doggie protector and I loved him so very much.  He is up in Heaven now pain free and playing with his mom Princess, brother Buddy and Grandma Kassie (who I had to put to sleep Feb 2007).  I am still in shock that my dog is really and truly gone.  This is the one and only part of owning pets that I truly hate and dread as they age. 

See you later Levi, I love and miss you something terrible.

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