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Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder if some day you wont have to take insulin from a bottle?

Do you ever wonder if people will stop making rude comments about your Diabetes? Oh you have the bad kind of Diabetes? No type of Diabetes is good last time I checked, why is it ok for people to say that to me? If someone has Cancer, do you say oh you have the bad kind, like any Cancer is ever good? I'm so exhausted from the hurtful comments from people. I have a tough hide on me but after the 20th time in one week, inside I really just want to break down and cry and say yes, I have type one Diabetes and no I don't need you to point out to me that it isnt a good thing to have. No Disease is a good thing to have, I didn't sign up to have Diabetes.

Do you ever wonder if you will ever go without a healing insulin pump infusion set hole on your skin, or be without bruises from injections?

Do you ever wonder if someday you can tell someone who was born after they cure diabetes that you use to have diabetes?

Tonight as I was trying to change my insulin pump I was looking at my scarred hips and near crying because I'm so afraid someday I wont be able to find a place to put my infusion set. It took me five painful times of stabbing the side of my butt to find a place that didnt hurt like heck because I hit a blood vessel or vein. I go as shallow as I can with my comfort short sets but not too shallow because then the insulin burns me. Im so sick of insulin burning me as it goes in, it always has and it always will. Sometimes I dont want to eat a large amt of carbs because I know the bolus will burn like hell.
I dont want to even have the worry that someday my tissue will be so scarred up that no where will work for an insulin pump. I cant use my legs, arms or stomach for my pump without being in incredible pain by 12 hours or less. I know I shouldn't worry about things I cannot control but anyone with a chronic disease worries about what lies ahead. I dont worry nonstop but I have my moments.
I just want to be done with the constant management of my Diabetes that no one else understands or cares to understand.
Im so tired of managing my Diabetes.  Some days more than other I just want to give up, but I know I cant. I have an Uncle who has been type one for over 35 years, I believe, and I cant imagine the ride he has taken. 35 years ago no one even checked their blood sugar, the tools were not there. My grandpa died in his 50s from Diabetes and smoking. He died in his 50s, can you imagine that? I miss him horribly and wish I could go back in time give him my humalog, my pump, my dexcom, my glucometer and a million test strips.

I guess when you have something like Diabetes you find out who your true friends are and what family members truly care. I'm on Dexcoms freaking website for God sake and only maybe THREE people in my real life congratulated me. THREE?! Really? Man I thought that was a huge accomplishment, out of how many other people with type one Diabetes are out there, they asked me? They picked me? I try my hardest to help other people with Diabetes and I know they appreciate it but what about my friends and family? Not even a congrats. Im so hurt. Why do people with any other condition get so much more support it seems, what is it about Diabetes? I guess my blinders are on and I dont see it.

I try to stay positive and upbeat about having type one but its just exhausting at times. My mind is never at ease, it can never take a break from counting carbs, worrying about what I ate will do to my blood sugar or wondering if I took too much insulin and will go low later on. Then the guilt I feel if I go too high after eating something, my mind wonders what damage right now is being done to my body because my will power gave up and I ate that carb loaded food. When anyone else with a working pancreas doesn't bat an eye but then they look at you with disgust because you are eating it and you "shouldn't" be. They too shouldn't be eating it then either, they just dont have the extreme guilt I feel because my Dexcom starts screaming at me and because I know my blood sugar is rising. Dexcom guilt is a huge deterrent for me sometimes.

Im trying my best and working hard to manage a disease that no one wants or wants to hear or talk about. Im trying my best to help other people with Diabetes by doing whatever I can to help them get back on track or find a good doctor. I don't want Diabetes, I don't want to take shots, I dont want to count carbs but that is my life. There is no other choice and if you (non diabetics) were faced with the situation you would do the same thing.

I guess there really is no point in this blog just that I know how alone Diabetes can make a person feel. Before the facebook support groups I joined I had no idea that I was not the only person who felt this way sometimes. You whoever you are, are not alone. Diabetes is nonstop management and it wears you out but don't give up, keep working at it and if you aren't getting the support you need find a new endo or cde, join a support group but dont sit alone crying at your kitchen table because you think you are the only one who feels the way you do.  Don't give up and don't half attempt to mange your Diabetes. You cannot ignore it in hopes it will go away. That kind of thinking will put you on a fast track to a whole lot of medical issues. You can do it. You can manage your Diabetes, it just takes a lot of work and support.  Without support it seems to be a much harder task and it is easy to get off track.  I am not perfect by any means and right now I am feeling a bit of Diabetes burnout but talking about it on support groups and helping other people helps me to stay on track.  Helping others helps me to keep the fire burning and my motivation going.  

What do you wonder?  Leave me some comments about your thoughts and I will post them. 

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